Survivor’s Guilt

I survived five years of putting a needle in my arm every day, ten times a day. In my years of raging drug abuse and self-hatred I watched numerous friends succumb to the fate that I thought surly was meant for me. But somehow with every over dose and every transaction I survived. I felt invisible, which only prolonged the enviable end of my heroin days.

When I started using heroin, I had a specific goal in mind. Kurt Cobain famously wrote “I rather burn out than fade away.” in his suicide note. I related. In reading my old journals, I was infatuated with the idea of being a heroin addict. It was the ultimate escape from reality. At first there was great freedom in being an addict. But soon that freedom would become my kryptonite. Living on the fringe of society will start to take its toll in ways you can’t even predict. Heroin was like licking honey from a razor blade. Its a death sentence manifesting itself a lover you don’t want to live without. 

We are always looking to find the answers to life’s mysteries. I’ve been trying to figure out what my purpose is in this next phase of my life. I’m now on my second year of living without heroin and my other self destructive vices. I’m a mother to an amazing little boy. And I’m partners with his father, who happens to share very similar experiences to my own. My life is so radically different to the one I use to live, I sometimes forget the pain I had to go through to get to where I am today.

Disassociation is a skill I mastered at a very young age, however its no longer a healthy coping skill for me. I want the ability to reach others, who are still in tumultuous dance I once danced. Learning to listen and trust MYSELF, after all the institutions and programs, was on of the biggest contributors to me not going back. Dissecting the real truth in the midst of all the falsities. 

I’ve been encouraged by those around me to be a beacon of honesty. My agenda isn’t to persuade anyone into sobriety. I’m merely here to say there is a way out, and we don’t have to die with a needle in our arm. 

Stay Safe, xo -May

Advertisements