Consciousness to action

After  posting my first entry, I took some time, a bit more than four months, to include this project in my meditation. I have been watching and listening to the universe and current events, trying to put a plan in motion to effect a change that is so desperately needed.

In my own life I find my course of recovery challenged. I believe that changing the way we see addicts, and recovery is pivotal for changing the course of this epidemic. The very definition of sober is a far cry from society’s expectations. I want to create a movement where we can look earnestly at the individual and into their core. Addicts are some of the most hopefully misguided souls I’ve encountered. How fucked up must one’s view of the world be when putting a needle in your arm is somehow better than what life has put in front of you. Take away the stigma of drugs, and look at what that reality must be. That imagery is powerful. It’s hopefulness and hopelessness twisted all around, a chaotic energy that takes concise action to escape. Too many addicts will die before they are able to reach nirvana. 

The dogmatic view of recovery that is preached by the 12-step community is kryptonite to the revolution. We are on the brink of social revolution. Disenchanted youth mixed with the failings of our government has created the perfect storm to arise a new age of enlightenment and consciousness. While sitting at my last and now final treatment facility almost two years ago I had the realization that I needed to pursue a counterculture that embraces human reason, ethics, and philosophical naturalism, while rejecting the current dogma culture of recovery.

Thru this new consciousness must come action. To being this movement I’m going to be publishing a series of portraits over the next year capturing addicts in all different stages of addiction, allowing them to be seen as something other than a statistic. 

If you or anyone you know would like to be photographed as a part of my project please contact me via email lifeafterheroin@gmail.com.

Stay well my loves, be good to yourself and eachother.

-May Wilde  

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Survivor’s Guilt

I survived five years of putting a needle in my arm every day, ten times a day. In my years of raging drug abuse and self-hatred I watched numerous friends succumb to the fate that I thought surly was meant for me. But somehow with every over dose and every transaction I survived. I felt invisible, which only prolonged the enviable end of my heroin days.

When I started using heroin, I had a specific goal in mind. Kurt Cobain famously wrote “I rather burn out than fade away.” in his suicide note. I related. In reading my old journals, I was infatuated with the idea of being a heroin addict. It was the ultimate escape from reality. At first there was great freedom in being an addict. But soon that freedom would become my kryptonite. Living on the fringe of society will start to take its toll in ways you can’t even predict. Heroin was like licking honey from a razor blade. Its a death sentence manifesting itself a lover you don’t want to live without. 

We are always looking to find the answers to life’s mysteries. I’ve been trying to figure out what my purpose is in this next phase of my life. I’m now on my second year of living without heroin and my other self destructive vices. I’m a mother to an amazing little boy. And I’m partners with his father, who happens to share very similar experiences to my own. My life is so radically different to the one I use to live, I sometimes forget the pain I had to go through to get to where I am today.

Disassociation is a skill I mastered at a very young age, however its no longer a healthy coping skill for me. I want the ability to reach others, who are still in tumultuous dance I once danced. Learning to listen and trust MYSELF, after all the institutions and programs, was on of the biggest contributors to me not going back. Dissecting the real truth in the midst of all the falsities. 

I’ve been encouraged by those around me to be a beacon of honesty. My agenda isn’t to persuade anyone into sobriety. I’m merely here to say there is a way out, and we don’t have to die with a needle in our arm. 

Stay Safe, xo -May